Sunday, 6 a.m.
Hi, I'm Ryan “Pinoccio” Lochte. And I'm here to tell you that there were 20, no 30, fake cops who pointed guns at me. I felt like Butch Cassidy, to tell the truth. The leader looked like Eli Wallach, only he had a hook for a hand and a gold tooth. And he said something like “Michael Phelps really kicked your butt, didn't he?” And then a magic rabbit rescued us and took us back to Narnia.
– Dez Bryant tells his teammates they can't guard him. Didn't Terrell Owens already do that?
– I wonder what Manti Te'o thinks of Lochte's fibs?
– Sure, I can see why Jeff Fisher desevers a contract extension. After all, he's had six winning seasons in 21 years of coaching. Any day now. Any day now.
– Adam Schein of NFL.com picks dark horse candidates for the season's major awards. For MVP, his darkhorse is the Bucs' Jameis Winston. Schein thinks the Bucs can be his darkhorse team with nine wins. Of coure, Schein also believes Lochte. Kidding.
– I see a St. Louis bar is offering $1 off a pitcher of beer for every touchdown scored against the Rams this year. Which gives us the name of the next St. Louis team. The Hangovers.
– Geno Smith of the Jets has a 23.6 rating. His response: “I could have played better.” You think? That's like saying Aaron Hernandez could have made better use of his time.
– Speaking of which, I finally figured out whose hairstyle Ryan Lochte reminds me of. Granny Clampett!
– Josh Brown is suspended for one whole game after his wife listed 20 cases of domestic abuse. What? They couldn't suspend him for, say, Tuesday? From 3:30-3:45? A.M? And Roger Goodell is the hanging judge?
– I wonder what Tonya Harding thinks of Ryan Lochte's story.
– William Hayes doesn't believe in dinosaurs. But he does believe in mermaids.No word yet about unicorns, tribbles or flying elephants.
– Oh, if only Lochte had been born Russian.
– I wonder what O.J. Simpson thinks of the Alabama t-shirt that says "Our O.J. only killed Clemson," referring to O.J. Howard, who caught 208 yards worth of passes.
– According to the Big Lead Fantasy rankings, Tampa Bay's Mike Evans is the ninth-best receiver in the NFL. Vincent Jackson is 56th. Adam Humphries is 76th.
– I don't know about you, but I'm willing to go another week with the Olympics. We could have full-contract gymnastics, karate golf and lying in gas stations.
– If Simone Biles struggles to carry the U.S. Flag tonight, how about she lets two weightlifters take her place, and she just balances across the pole?
– I don't know about you, but I'm willing to go another week with the Olympics. We could have full-contract gymnastics, karate golf and lying in gas stations.
– You know, by the ninth version of his story, I kind of felt sorry for Lochte. Then I remembered his first eight editions.
{ 0 comments… read it below or Subscriptions }