Arians will be busy from the start rebuilding Bucs

by Gary Shelton on January 10, 2019 · 4 comments

in general

Thursday, 4 a.m.

Today's Bruce Arians day-planner:

7 a.m. -- Ask if your office is in the cellar. Everything else is with this franchise.

7:30 a.m. -- Meet with Jameis Winston, even before you unpack your coach of the year awards and that plaque that says "Quarterback Whisperer." Jameis is job one. He has to be saved. Try not to think that once, in Greg Schiano's day-planner, he had "meet with Josh Freeman." Gee. I wonder how that worked out.

7:51 a,n, -- As Winston leaves your office, remind him to never, ever ride in an Uber again.

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8 a.m. -- Meet with Gerald McCoy. Tell him that you appreciate what he's done, and who he's been. But $13 million is a bit much for a nose tackle, don't you think. Plant the seed about taking a cut.

8:15 a.m. -- As he leaves, suggest to McCoy that he hangs around closely with Warren Sapp, just to see if the nastiness will wear off on him.

8:30 a.m. -- Meet with Jason Licht. Tell him that the second round of the NFL draft s no time to take a nap and that, from now on, we will not be drafting with a dartboard. Tell him you're happy to be on board.

8:45 a.m. -- Put calls out to Raheem Morris, Greg Schiano, Lovie Smith and Dirk Koetter. Ask for advice. Then ignore it.

9 a.m. -- Run around and cackle that you were able to hire Todd Bowles as defensive coordinator. Big hire. Already, you are ahead of where Dirk Koetter was with the Bucs.

9:05 a.m. --As a gag, ask Clyde Christensen if he wants his old office back. Tell him your sure they will rebuild it at the old One Buc Place. You know, the old site where they keep Alvin Harper's finger.

9:15 a.m. -- Meet with DeSean Jackson, and remind him he's responsible for half of the chemistry between Winston and him. Point out that no one else griped about chemistry with Winston. Point out that he could have stopped the pouting stories at any time by simply saying "I have no problem with Jameis. I don't know where all these stories are coming from."

9:30 a.m. -- Okay, let Todd Bowles see the tapes on the defense. That secondary is scarier than the original  Poltergeist.

9:45 a.m. -- Ask Licht if inviting 27 placekickers to camp is a little much.

10 a.m. -- Remind Licht that on Sept. 10, 1976, Arians was a grad assistant on a staff that lost to Texas A&M 19-0. The next day, the Bucs lost to nearby Houston 20-0 as the first loss of 26 straight.

10:30 a.m.  -- Meet with Ronald Jones. Tell him you're proud he covered all the yardage between the locker room and your office. Try not to mention he put the "waste" in "wasted year."

11 a.m. -- Meet with Lavonte David. Tell him you've been to the playoffs, and it's a wonderful thing. Suggest that he schedules it for a season to come soon.

11:15 a.m. -- Chat with new offensive line coach Sean Kugler, who must look at his job and note that Hercules had about the same number of labors (12). The offensive line has been the most overrated unit on the Bucs, which is saying something.

11:45 -- Meet with your scouts. Remind them that the team needs to hit five times in their seven picks. That's high, but this team has botched too many choices.

Noon -- Lunch. Is it too soon for the Early-Bird special?

12:30 -- Call the NFL. Thank them for a manageable schedule that has nine games against losing teams and four who didn't win any more than the Bucs last year.

1 p.m. -- Meet with Brent Grimes. Ask him to remind you how not playing hard benefitted him. Ask him who he thought should be covering the No. 1 receiver. Ask him if he thinks coaches are in charge. Ask him not to let the door hit him in the butt on his way out of it.

1:05 p.m. -- See if Lightning tickets are available.

1:15 p.m. -- Remind everyone that Byron Leftwich willl be calling the plays, not running the plays. An 0-3 record with the Bucs should settle that.

1:30 p.m. -- Meet with Mike Evans. Congratulate him on making the Pro Bowl. Tell him you're the team's best player, but fewer drops would be nice. Okay?

1:35 -- Speaking of Evans, he wasn't the only guy accounting for big yards for the Bucs. All hail the referees. The Bucs had 975 yards on 117 penalties. They also had 18 penalties declined, which would have put them well over the 1,000-yard mark. The Bucs aren't good enough to give up 10 football fields.

1:40 p.m. -- The Bucs also gave the ball away more than any other team in the NFL with 26 interceptions and nine fumbles. Think Arians can bring this up tactfully?

1:45 p.m. -- Just for old times' sake, visit the Super Bowl Trophy. Try to knock some of the cobwebs off of it. It's been a while.

2:00 p.m. -- Watch film of the Chicago game. Try to resist watching through your fingers as your hands cover your eyes.

2:30 p.m. -- Opening press conference. Be light, be optimistic. A new coach has never lost the opening press conference. The only problem is that everyone has heard the daydreams of other coaches as they said hello. Try to be different as you tell people there is a new sheriff in town.

2:38 p.m. -- When the wise guy in the second row asks you about your age, remind him that Arthur Askin won the Nobel Prize this year. At 96, he was 30 years older than you are.

2:45 -- Remind everyone that the Flying Wedge was quite the weapon back in the day.

2:55 -- If anyone mentions that your record your last two years was 15-16-1, ask how that would compare with the last two years, when the Bucs have been 10-22.

3:30 p.m. -- Go to Raymond James Stadium. Have a priest who specializes in exorcisms work on the goalposts in an attempt to end the Peter Rajecki Curse.

4 p.m. -- While you're at it, spring Holy Water throughout the locker room to end the Josh Freeman Quarterback Curse, the Bo Jackson Running Back Curse, the Alvin Harper Wide Receiver Curse, the Charles McRae Offensive Lineman Curse, the Booker Reese Defensive Line Curse, the Brett Moritz Linebacker Curse, The Sabby Piscatelli Safety Curse, the Rod "Toast" Jones Cornerback Curse and the Jeff Jagodzinski Offensive Coordinator Curse. While you're at it, curse at them all again. Anyone ever consider a Ring of Dishonor?

4:15 p.m. -- Remind everyone that, from now on, you are Bucco Bruce.

4:30 a.m. -- Hang your autographed copy of the Golden Girls. Man, those chicks were hot.

4:45 -- Make a vow to wear your hair exactly like Vita Vea. Why not?

5 p.m. -- Team meeting. Let's get this party started.




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