Saturday, 4 a.m.
This just in. Tom Brady retired again Friday night. After re-re-consideration, he decided he would rather become the bass player for the Rolling Stones, who are even older than he is.
Not buying it?
How about this one. Brady is stepping down to become the new owner of the London Monarchs expansion team, where his face will be on the team's helmets.
No? Don't believe it?
.
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How about the one where he's going into space to shoot a new Subway commercial. Once there, he will joust further with Peyton Manning, who only made it to such heights twice.
No?
How about the one where Brady jumps to Miami? That was the hot rumor on Friday. Or the one where he forces his way to San Francisco, despite having a contract with the Bucs? Or the one where Jason Licht had to physically separate Brady and Bucs' coach Bruce Arians?
That's the thing with Brady. He has spent so much of his life being a myth that, these days, some people will believe anything. There is no rumor quite as juicy as the latest one about Brady. It doesn't matter if it's true, or if it even makes sense. Brady is a hot click, as they say these days, and no one remembers yesterday's rumor.
When it comes to Brady, everyone is Bob Woodward, and every headline comes with exclamations points. Don't have any news on Brady today? Hell, just make something up and throw it against the wall. You can see who salutes. With Brady, there are more rumors than in fifth-grade English class.
Never mind that Brady rarely talks, and when he does, he never says anything. But every guy named Ned seems to have a "source" in Brady's "camp" that is sharing hoo-hah, and so it gets passed around like truth. Which it never is.
After a while, it gets to be funny. One day, Robert Kraft is butthurt that Brady didn't mention the Patriots in his retirement speech, and the next, Brady is headed for a divorce, and the next, he hates the way the Bucs are run, and the day after, he actually runs the Bucs. You get the picture.
Take the Brady-to-Miami whispers, which no credible person seems to buy into. Maybe it's because Brady has had a magnificent off-season recruiting many of his teammates to re-sign with the Bucs. Maybe it's because Miami has two quarterbacks (not great ones) on its roster.
And maybe it's because of this. How the heck would the Dolphins pay for Brady? They're eyeballs-deep in free agency, and they've traded away a lot of their draft picks.
Then there is this: I saw a headline Friday that said "Brady is working on" a trade to Miami. Um, Brady is working on it? Hey, I make as many jokes as most of us about Brady being the real general manager around here, but I don't think even Brady has the power to trade himself.
So what would the Dolphins give up for Brady? Arians' once said the Bucs would want five No. 1 draft picks. Even if he was exaggerating, they'd want a lot to trade away their best shot at a Super Bowl, because without Brady, they don't have one.
How, then, would this come together?
Answer: It wouldn't.
During the similar headlines about Brady going to San Francisco, well, that one didn't make sense either, not that that stopped a lot of national writers for running away is a silly fashion with the "reports." I even read one story that wondered if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell might get involved so the Bucs didn't hold Brady "hostage."
Excuse me? Since when is a contract holding a player hostage? If the commissioner starts overruling contracts, which are signed by owners, who are Goodell's bosses, then I think we might find ourselves with a new commissioner.
Who knows? Maybe there is a grain of truth behind all the rumors. Maybe Brady said to a buddy one night that it might be nice to play in his hometown of San Francisco, and someone overhead it, and it spread. Maybe there was some truth, at one point, that Brady checked out the possibility of joining an ownership group of the Dolphins, and it's just leaking out.
But for a man of legend, much of what we hear about Brady is lore.
Next week, maybe he's going to the Titans. Maybe the Raiders. Maybe back to the Patriots.
And maybe, just maybe, he helps the Bucs solidify their roster.
Then again, what fun would that be?