Hello. I'm new Falcons' coach Dan Quinn, and I was kidding when I saw I wanted to sign Herschel Walker, who is 53 years old. I meant I wanted to sign Frankie Sinkwich.
– I am sure we are all pulling for Michael Sam. But Canadian football? Couldn't he pick a sport we care more about? Pigeon racing?
– It was good that Nascar separated itself as far as possible from the Confederate flag. There are still fans, tough, who act like Jefferson Davis swapped a little paint with Robert E. Lee.
– I see where Rashard Mendenhall has transformed from an NFL player to a writer for the new HBO show “Ballers.'' A word of advice, Rashard. Watch out for those verbs. They can blindside you.
– Here's the real shame about De-'Andre Johnson being suspended by FSU. How much trouble can a guy get in drinking grape soda? Why, I'm sure that's all he was drinking.
– Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are going to bring us a movie about the Fifa scandal? What's it called? Good Nil Hunting?
– Did you see where Dallas rookie Randy Gregory was trying to get ready for the NFL by studying films of Simeon Rice. A new shipment just arrived from Rice's home planet.
– Joe Maddon says baseball needs more nerds. Yeah. But then wouldn't they have to watch Star Trek during play, which would mess up the way they played infield for the Cubs?
– Did you see where comedian Daniel Tosh wore an Aaron Hernandez jersey to perform in Boston. What? No. O.J. Simpson gloves?
– Sepp Blatter rented a condo just for his cats. You tell me: Is he crookeder or crazier?
– Here's a question: When they're playing the Star-Spangled Banner and Oh, Canada before hockey games, what do Russian hockey stars think about?
– Michael Irvin, no Boy Scout himself, says he's worried about Warren Sapp. Was his number the amount of bail bondsmen he had on speed dial?
– CBS Sportsline says Logan Mankins is the Bucs' most overrated player. He's still rated?
– If O.J. Simpson really does turn out to be Khloe Kardashian's dad, would he have to watch her on TV? And wouldn't that constitute cruel and unusual punishment?
– If Oscar Pistorius gets out in August – just at the drive-through – can we assume that, once again, he will have the most heavily guarded bathroom in the world?
– Did you see where Lance Armstrong is going to ride part of the Tour de France route for charity. Let's see: He'll start over Syringe Pass, and he'll go down to Blood-Packers Bluff, and then he'll take a left at Cheat Ravine and then he'll cruise all the way to the Lie-My-Head-Off straightaway.
– Cleveland Indians' manager Terry Francona has an unusual diet. The other night, he admitted he ate 17 grape popsicles. Cool.
-- Maybe it's just me, but if I'm an Alabama fan, and I notice all the money that Nick Saban is paid, and how he is first in recruiting every year, and I think: Isn't about time the Tide won another title? Or two?
– Michael Jordan said he was coming back the other night, and for the two seconds you didn't realize he was kidding, the NBA was a much more interesting place.
– Jameis Winston is ranked No. 5 on the Sporting News' list of champions under 25. I say he should go right to the top if he ever, you know, throws a pass.
– Speaking of the Sporting News, it listed the top candidates to replace Ryne Sandberg as manager of the Cubs. Our old friend Davie Martinez was ranked second. I'd wish him luck, but goodness. It's the Phillies.
– I'm sorry, but if Mario Hezonja was good enough for the Magic to draft him at No. 5, then how do you explain that Kentucky didn't even offer him a scholarship?
– You are aware that when we get to the bottom of the Sepp Blatter-takes-a-bribe story with FIFA, the first money he ever wanted was to pay Hope Solo's bail, right?
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