Sunday, 11 a.m.
Hi, I'm Floyd Mayweather, and if you bought pay-per-view, I just stole your money again. You might as well buy an eight-track player.
– If you played chess with Bill Belichick, wouldn't you expect him to start with about eight queens?
– How many of you would rather have Jameis Winston instead of Marcus Mariota no matter what happens today? Mariota is so dull he could be an old razor blade.
– A Florida fan spread ashes at the foot of the Tim Tebow statue in Gainesville. I'm just surprised it wasn't his ashes.
– Of all the stupidity ever perpetrated in baseball, you can include Drew Storen, who broke his thumb by slamming his hand into his locker in frustration. Maybe he just should have cursed like everyone else.
– On his desk, Rex Ryan has a framed photo of … a pair of feet. Yeah, that man has sole.
– The NFL finds no problem with the New England headsets. In a further development, Roger Goodell mentions what a handsome man Robert Kraft is. And, no, he's not intimidated at all.
– I love a bitter performer story, but the Australian Football League has a problem with … Meat Loaf? In 2011, uh, Loaf pulled off a bad performance, and a promoter says if he was paid a half-million dollars, it was $499,000 too much. On the other hand, a thousand dollars is a lot to pay for leftover Meat Loaf, don't you think?
– If Italian tennis players were American football programs, then Roberta Vinci would be Jacksonville State, right?
– Has it hit anyone else? All of those NFL quarterbacks pitching the NFL package on DirecTV? Aren't they all kind of busy on Sunday afternoons?
– Did you see that a motion by O.J. Simpson was rejected by the Nevada Supreme Court. Call the members of the court the latest to find that Simpson had no appeal.
– I love that Bill Belichick lashed out at all those who think his franchise cheats. Butch Cassidy didn't like being called a bank-robber, either.
– An enterprising fan hung a Steven Stamkos jersey in the Toronto dressing room. That's funny, right? No one is nervous, right? Huh?
– A report says Jason Pierre-Paul's hand is worse than expected. Too much bang for the buck, as it turns out.
– Whose record is worse in the courtroom? Hamilton Burger, or Roger Goodell?
– Did you hear Tiger Woods had committed to the Frys.com Open? I knew his career was going badly, but is he really to the point where he has to ask “You want fries with that?''
– That cop who was investigating fraudulently purchased cell phones when he roughed up former tennis player James Blake? He should use one of the confiscated phones to call the unemployment office to make an appointment.
– The New York Post ranks the top 50 players in the NFL. Gerald McCoy is 30. Lavonte David is 34. There is not a Titan on the list.
– Ronda Rousey is doing a remake of Patrick Swayze's Road House, the old movie that suggests there are professsional bouncers? Cool. Think she'll get around to Ghost?
– This is insulting. RG3 isn't even the Redskins QB2. He'll be third team today, which means he night as well cover punts.
– Retire? Why should Floyd Mayweather retire when he's turned boxing into a trip to the ATM?
– I don't know what women's tennis will look like after Serena Williams, but I'm afrraid it will look like Roberta Vinci and Flavia Pennetta, which I thought was a drink at Starbucks.
– Bill Belichick corked a bat the other day. He put vaseline on a baseball and stole the other team's signals. Just for the fun of it.
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