Sunday, 6 a.m.
Hello, I'm the last remaining Orlando Magic fan, and I entered free agency thinking about Al Horford, Joakim Noah and Chandler Parsons. I came away scratching my head at Jeff Green, Bismack Biyombo and D.J. Augustine.
– For a day, Sam Querrey is Buster Douglas, the U.S. Men's Hockey team, Rocky Balboa and the 1969 Jets. He is Sparta.
– Yippee. The Magic have signed Alvin Harper three times.
– Nikita Kucherov still hasn't signed with the Lightning. Evidently, there is no Russian phrase for “take less money.”
– Are PEDs just cheaper in Dallas? Seriously. Is there any way to blame this on Greg Hardy?
– This just in: Steve Yzerman will pay Subway only $3.40 for a foot-long. Think about how much the entire lunch will be.
– No, really. The Magic is kidding, right? Or are they trying to make their ticket base disappear?
– I don't know what you thought when you saw Caitlyn Jenner on the new Sports Illustrated. I'm pretty sure what Guido Kratschmer thought was this: “I could have been a champion if it wasn't for her.”
– I'm sure his future is bright, but perhaps Ben Bishop should not buy green bananas.
– Wonder how that search for the real killer is going for O.J. Simpson. He ought to be getting close, don't you think?
– I hear that the Arena League wants Johnny Manziel. It won't for long.
– Does there need to be a new category for NFL rosters? “Overcoming gunshot wounds.” The league has more walking wounded than the Alamo had.
– Tiger Woods is missing the British Open. He withdrew, and his spot was taken by Australia's Marcus Fraser. In other words, the field just got stronger.
– The public breakup of Nick Young and Iggy Azalea reminds me of the old line. “You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.”
– Officers say that Aaron Hernandez treated his first 22 months in prison as if he was in an NFL training camp. Wonder how that worked out for O.J.?
– Put it this way. If they could put a jail inside of a jail, and surround it with another jail, that would be the perfect place for Oscar Pistorius. Creep.
– Are the rumors true that the Magic may give $80 million for the rights to Scott Hastings?
– What happens next? Do we see Ronda Rousey in a fight, Tiger Woods in a golf tournament or unicorns being ridden by leprechauns?
– This just in: The Tampa Bay Bucs are suing over the trademark of "Orange is the New Black," Their highlight film from 1976-96 was called "Orange is the New Black and Blue."
– If Manziel does join the Arena League, I say the dasher boards that provide advertising around the field all feature busted quarterbacks. Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell, Akili Smith, Josh Freeman. And here's Johnny.
– Here's an idea: How about a 30 for 30 series on the early Bucs? I'd call it “Execute the offense.”
– Vince Wilfork can just put on a robe. Okay?
– Serena Williams said the racket had it coming.
-- The NFL plans to load 96 classic games onto YouTube. For the Bucs, the games include Super Bowl XXXVII (win over the Raiders), the 2002 NFC Conference game (win over the Eagles) and the 2000 game where they beat the Rams 38-35. Maybe it's just me, but I might include a couple of losses, too: The 38-35 loss the Colts in 2003 and the 1999 NFC title game loss to the Rams. Just so we can all get ticked again.
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